My new life....

So I was told by my friend to keep up my blog since I'm entering a new kind of life. One I've never thought I would want or be in, but here I am. With a boyfriend and a "real" job... this will be about the boy, next week will be about the work.

First let me start off by saying that I've been back from Liberia now for over a month and a lot has changed in/around me. During my time in Africa, I kept in contact with the boy I was seeing before I left. We exchanged some emails and a phone call as well before everything went down. Well when I found out I was going to be coming home the first person I called was my dad. The second, the boy. Telling...maybe...it was probably a mix between I need some I'm alive sex and I missed him. He sounded really excited about me coming back and offered right away to come and pick me up from the airport. I have to admit, I was a little worried about seeing him...do you give a hug? a kiss? I've never had someone who I was sleeping with pick me up from the airport...and I don't really act the best in awkward situations (example, the morning after I met/slept with him I tried to sneak out so we wouldn't have that awkward talking in the morning...he caught me getting dressed and asked what I was doing, I lied and said I was going to the bathroom, so I didn't get to leave...probably a good thing considering how things have turned out so far.) Plus I was not going to be looking my best, I just lived in Western Africa, had to duck for cover and seriously needed sleep...I might not be a girl most of the time, but when meeting up with someone you sleep with, no matter how you feel about them currently, you want to be at your best. An added note, he had his son with him as well. so not only was I going to be seeing him again, I was going to be meeting his 2-year old son for the first time as well. Something you should know about me, I always expect the worse, like when I'm on an airplane, I picture it going down so when it doesn't I'm happy and if it ever does, I won't be surprise, I saw it coming...that's just how I am. So when I was on the plane, after picturing it crashing and burning, I started to think that the boy and picturing he wasn't going to be there. That I was going to walk out of the terminal and no one would be waiting for me, well he was there with his son in hand, I gave him a little side hug and he had his son hug me as well. He took my bag and went to get the car as I waited for my other bags. We got in the car and went to the hotel. He told me he called my dad and said that he would bring me by the house so he could see me. So I went to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready, he came in, grabbed me and kissed me and said he was really happy that I was back. which made me happy. Then we spent the next 10 days together, before he left for Iraq.

I describe him as the Perfect Storm. I'm not one to be in a relationship, in fact, I avoid it like the plague. I don't allow myself to fall for someone, when things start to get close or when I start to feel like I like him or he likes me, I leave. I've never been in an exclusive relationship and never wanted to be in one. I never thought I would want to be tied down to just one person. That I would let just one person effect any part of my life. But when we first met, it was the day I found out I was accepted into the Liberian Peace Corps Response Program. (still had to get approved medically) but I had already checked out, I let myself like him cause I knew we were going to end. I stated it basically from the begin. He was not my boyfriend, we could see other people but I liked him. I let myself open up to him and let him in. Though I don't think he knew it at the time. I allowed him closer than I have ever let someone before...he met my dad and brother and no one has ever met anyone in my family before him (well maybe my sister, that's just cause she's been there when things went down) But I only allowed it to happen cause I was sure I would be cleared to go to Liberia and we would end. That he would just become a friend on facebook that I slept with but now never really talk to...but he didn't. I fell for him, hard, in those first 10 days I was back. I really liked him from before and in those 10 days I changed. I don't know if it was a everything I went through in Africa or if it was him, it was probably a mixture of the two, but everything had to be "perfect" for me to be in the situation that I am, in an exclusive relationship with a boy that's in Iraq for the next year. Before he left, we were talking one night. He told me he knew how much I liked sex and that I could sleep with other people, he just didn't want to find out about it. I told him, I didn't want him sleeping with anyone else and I didn't want to sleep with anyone else. He smiled and kissed me on the forehead and said ok. Now I'm in a new territory. I go out to the bars and don't want to go home with anyone. I just want to go home and talk to him on skype, of course after multiple drinks of Jameson I'm still Carrie...what is this new "girl" I've become? I truly miss just hanging out with him. Watching movies and college sports and playing video games on the couch. And I can't believe I'm thinking about the future now. I don't know what I want to do for my future, all I know is, for now, I want him in it. I told him, I can't promise I will feel the same way 6 months from now but as of now this is what I want. What I can promise, if things change, I will let him know. I'm one to be honest, I can't help it.

I miss him. I find myself in a bit of a bi-polar state when it comes to him. I get scared about being in a relationship. I have to constantly reminded myself that I like him and that no matter how scared I am of these feelings, I can't let being afraid control my life, make me ruin something that is so great. Never before have I let fear control my life, so why do I now? (I've jumped out of planes, ran from bullets and ate a live octopus.) It's a constant battle in my head and hopefully in the end I will win. But only time will tell.