My new life....

So I was told by my friend to keep up my blog since I'm entering a new kind of life. One I've never thought I would want or be in, but here I am. With a boyfriend and a "real" job... this will be about the boy, next week will be about the work.

First let me start off by saying that I've been back from Liberia now for over a month and a lot has changed in/around me. During my time in Africa, I kept in contact with the boy I was seeing before I left. We exchanged some emails and a phone call as well before everything went down. Well when I found out I was going to be coming home the first person I called was my dad. The second, the boy. Telling...maybe...it was probably a mix between I need some I'm alive sex and I missed him. He sounded really excited about me coming back and offered right away to come and pick me up from the airport. I have to admit, I was a little worried about seeing him...do you give a hug? a kiss? I've never had someone who I was sleeping with pick me up from the airport...and I don't really act the best in awkward situations (example, the morning after I met/slept with him I tried to sneak out so we wouldn't have that awkward talking in the morning...he caught me getting dressed and asked what I was doing, I lied and said I was going to the bathroom, so I didn't get to leave...probably a good thing considering how things have turned out so far.) Plus I was not going to be looking my best, I just lived in Western Africa, had to duck for cover and seriously needed sleep...I might not be a girl most of the time, but when meeting up with someone you sleep with, no matter how you feel about them currently, you want to be at your best. An added note, he had his son with him as well. so not only was I going to be seeing him again, I was going to be meeting his 2-year old son for the first time as well. Something you should know about me, I always expect the worse, like when I'm on an airplane, I picture it going down so when it doesn't I'm happy and if it ever does, I won't be surprise, I saw it coming...that's just how I am. So when I was on the plane, after picturing it crashing and burning, I started to think that the boy and picturing he wasn't going to be there. That I was going to walk out of the terminal and no one would be waiting for me, well he was there with his son in hand, I gave him a little side hug and he had his son hug me as well. He took my bag and went to get the car as I waited for my other bags. We got in the car and went to the hotel. He told me he called my dad and said that he would bring me by the house so he could see me. So I went to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready, he came in, grabbed me and kissed me and said he was really happy that I was back. which made me happy. Then we spent the next 10 days together, before he left for Iraq.

I describe him as the Perfect Storm. I'm not one to be in a relationship, in fact, I avoid it like the plague. I don't allow myself to fall for someone, when things start to get close or when I start to feel like I like him or he likes me, I leave. I've never been in an exclusive relationship and never wanted to be in one. I never thought I would want to be tied down to just one person. That I would let just one person effect any part of my life. But when we first met, it was the day I found out I was accepted into the Liberian Peace Corps Response Program. (still had to get approved medically) but I had already checked out, I let myself like him cause I knew we were going to end. I stated it basically from the begin. He was not my boyfriend, we could see other people but I liked him. I let myself open up to him and let him in. Though I don't think he knew it at the time. I allowed him closer than I have ever let someone before...he met my dad and brother and no one has ever met anyone in my family before him (well maybe my sister, that's just cause she's been there when things went down) But I only allowed it to happen cause I was sure I would be cleared to go to Liberia and we would end. That he would just become a friend on facebook that I slept with but now never really talk to...but he didn't. I fell for him, hard, in those first 10 days I was back. I really liked him from before and in those 10 days I changed. I don't know if it was a everything I went through in Africa or if it was him, it was probably a mixture of the two, but everything had to be "perfect" for me to be in the situation that I am, in an exclusive relationship with a boy that's in Iraq for the next year. Before he left, we were talking one night. He told me he knew how much I liked sex and that I could sleep with other people, he just didn't want to find out about it. I told him, I didn't want him sleeping with anyone else and I didn't want to sleep with anyone else. He smiled and kissed me on the forehead and said ok. Now I'm in a new territory. I go out to the bars and don't want to go home with anyone. I just want to go home and talk to him on skype, of course after multiple drinks of Jameson I'm still Carrie...what is this new "girl" I've become? I truly miss just hanging out with him. Watching movies and college sports and playing video games on the couch. And I can't believe I'm thinking about the future now. I don't know what I want to do for my future, all I know is, for now, I want him in it. I told him, I can't promise I will feel the same way 6 months from now but as of now this is what I want. What I can promise, if things change, I will let him know. I'm one to be honest, I can't help it.

I miss him. I find myself in a bit of a bi-polar state when it comes to him. I get scared about being in a relationship. I have to constantly reminded myself that I like him and that no matter how scared I am of these feelings, I can't let being afraid control my life, make me ruin something that is so great. Never before have I let fear control my life, so why do I now? (I've jumped out of planes, ran from bullets and ate a live octopus.) It's a constant battle in my head and hopefully in the end I will win. But only time will tell.

"Free" Speech

First, let me start off by saying that I do love Peace Corps and all that they do. Even after this horrible experience, I would love to go back and do more response work for them. I love the idea of Peace Corps(PC) and a lot of the time I believe they are doing a good job. As a volunteer, our safety is about 95% us and 5% PC. We have to make friends with the locals, get them to care about us and when things start to go bad, that they will help us out. That's our security, we don't live behind a fence, we live with the people, we act like the people, we become a part of their community. That is how a PC Volunteer keeps themselves safe. PC responsibility is to help us when we discover ourselves in a dangerous situation and can't get ourselves out without their help.

This experience, in Liberia, has altered my view of it all. I've always known that it was runned by the US Government, thus having policies and procedures that really don't make sense. This is why when PC Liberia told me that they were taking a wait and see approach before they would come to get us, I knew all I had to do was put pressure on PC Washington, from my family and friends, who then would put pressure on PC Liberia, who then would get us out of Voinjama. Which is fine, I know the system and will work it. I've been around awhile, know that the government only works when there is pressure on it, so I created my own pressure through my network, I'm not one to wait for someone else to help me, I will do whatever I can to help myself.

PC Liberia finally got to us, by 3pm on that Saturday, a full 28 hours after I told them we were not safe in our town. They didn't even send a car for 21 hours after the first call and 19 hours after I said it was too dangerous for us to stay. This is what really bothered me. I understand part of PC is that we tend to live in dangerous places and it isn't their fault for civil unrest. What is their fault was the lack of response after I mentioned that it was unsafe. According to my country director, they were trying to get us out by helicopter, if you choose to believe this, that's fine, me personally I'm still up in the air about it all, because nothing was mentioned from her to us about this until our talk on Monday morning. Pretty convenient if you ask me. Even if they were working on getting us out by helicopter that day, they still should have sent a car up to us, it took them 9 hours to get to us from the capitol. (And by the way, our Safety and Security officer had enough time to pick up other PC Volunteers' mail and drop it off on our return...another note, he also said our situation wasn't that bad and he had seen worse during the war) If we were able to get out by helicopter, then all they wasted was gas, if not, then they would be that much closer to us. The only road out of my town to the capitol was the one where all the rioting was taking place, so they didn't even know as of Friday if it would have been safe enough to pass, which is fine, they should have waited in the closest town to us that was safe and then took a wait and see approach. And since there was only one road out to the capitol, they should have sent a PC car from Guinea, which would have taken 2 days to get to us, as well. Again, all they would have wasted was gas. But no, they didn't do their plan B until plan A failed. This is my beef with PC Liberia and why I left, I did not feel safe there with their inability to responded to an emergency. PC Liberia was lucky that nothing happened to us, that on that Friday night, it stormed so bad that, in my opinion, it broke up the rioters, because on Saturday night, the locals picked up guns and shot at the Jordain riot police. One could say that the weather saved our lives, cause who knows what would have happened.

Now on to my beef with PC Washington. I've heard from two different sources that they knew of PC Liberia inabilities to take proper action. To what extent, I don't know, but the fact that they knew they weren't doing the best job but didn't do anything before this incident is what kills me. They would have let them kept going in the same direction until something bad happened. And honestly, I don't know if PC Washington would have sent anyone to Liberia to help reconstruct their plans if it wasn't for all the actions both me and my roommate made. If we had died, I would have held PC Washington responsible for my death. They knew the staff wasn't the best but did nothing to help improve it until it was too late. They kept sending volunteers there and were even planning on sending 2-year volunteers there come this June. I give up my time to come and work with an organization that I love, but now I've seen that they don't love me. They don't care about the safety of it's volunteers. They are only reactive, not proactive.

If I was to do Peace Corps again, or if I was to give advice for all volunteers, I would say, now I know, my safety and security is all on me. Still call and tell PC what is happening, but know that in the end, it's up to you to get yourself out safe and sound. That they really don't care about your safety and if anything were to happen to you, it would be your fault, not theirs. So sorry PC, it was my fault for not understanding the full agreement that you had already arranged, and just failed to let me know...

Guns, Fighting, Killings...Oh MY!

So yesterday was one of the most scariest days of my life. But I'll first start off when the night before. It was a good night out, my roommate just got back in from her week out helping other towns so we were celebrating her return by going to the UN club for some drinks. Next ting I know we are crashing at midnight. I was suppose to go to another town early that morning , but luckily enough I was too tired and lazy to get up and back at 6 to pack and walk the 30 minutes to where my ride was suppose to be. So I cancelled it and slept. (which was probably really good cause the rioting started from the road I would have been taking out) I went back to bed and got up about 8. Amanda and I discussed that I would go to the market that day since I didn't have anything to do. I went to the little stand outside my house to get eggs for my breakfast. Amanda went to the well to get water...we heard things but didn't know what was going on until a UN friend called us and told us not to leave the house. WE didn't really believe him, cause he's Liberian and he thinks everything we do it too dangerous. So Amanda went to the neighbors to investigate. Then we started seeing people run from the market, which is only about a 7 minute walk from our house. We saw one of our Liberian friends and he told us what was going on. Apparently a girl from one of the local ethnic group was chopped up to bits. So the other ethnic group got blamed for it so they went to set their mosque on fire. Then the other group, Muslims, started burning down churches. this morning I've heard it was 3 churches and the Catholic school. I know many more buildings were set a blaze, but don't know which ones. Around 10 o'clock we called Peace Corps and told them what was happening. Around 11 we heard about 10 to 12 rounds of gun fire. It was far from the house to not be too scared at that moment. So when Peace Corps called back we told them we wanted to get out of town. One of my biggest problems I have with Peace Corps is that they really don't care about your safety...they have a budget and want to stick with it. They didn't even want to come and get us, both the safety director and the country director kept trying to get Amanda and I to say that we felt safe. And never at one point did we. We told them to come and get us. That was a little before 12. They said they were going to send up a car. Amanda and I back a bag and left to go to our UN policeman's house for better protection and electricity. He came and gave us his keys since he had a lot of work to do. I felt that Peace Corps didn't care what was happening to us. We had to find our own shelter and thank god for all the friends we made. We get to Pita's, our UN plice friend around 12:20 PC calls around one to tell us if it's safe we we should move to the Swiss compound. The compound was in the opposite direction as the fighting so we left. All the while Peace Corp is telling us that they were coming to get us. Even at one point our country director told Amanda just to curl up to a good book and wait for Peace Corps to come and get us, they were going to do a wait and see approach. That wasn't sitting well with me, guns had fired, house and buildings were burning, people fighting everywhere, ...so that's when I set out the message that everyone should call Peace Corps Washington and tell them to do something about us. Then we started getting calls, our US military friend was trying to arrange a helicopter flight out for us and now PC was saying there were going to be sending a car to get us but it wouldn't be until tomorrow. At around dusk, the Nigerian riot police came to help the situation, their way of helping was to start shooting guns...they were so close to us that we ran for cover. At this point Amanda and I just look at each other from across the way, she took cover in the door frame where I took cover on the opposite side of the house in between two walls, and we both knew we were done. At the time we didn't know they were firing warning shots or that it was the riot police, all we knew is that our time could be up and neither one of us wanted it to happen. Our safety director called just after the shooting to tell us it was just the riot police. Still not comforting. We went to bed exhausted but uneasy. We both woke up in the middle of the night thinking what the hell had we done...And peace corps is completely FUCKED UP!!! then we got a text at 7 in the morning that they are sending a car out.. It will take them about 7 hours to get here.

In town they've set up a refugee camp at the hospital. Last night, most Liberians grabbed the shit that they had and peace the fuck out of town. They were carrying tv's and clothes on their heads. This morning I got a call from one of my students that he was hurrt in the attack. He's one of my better students, comes to my house all the time for extra work. Did his Math homework 2 times to make sure he got it all. He said he was hurt and can't walk at the moment. I know I need to go but don't know if I have the heart to leave my students. Most of them love to learn and are hungry for information. And I just feel horrible that they live in a country were such violence happens on a regular bases. Don't think I can stay here, even though I would love to...I'm pretty sure my family and friends back home would kill me. Too many things to think about...I need a vacation...

Fun Times...

I'm sitting in my own sweat...that's how hot it is. I took a nap today...cause I drank way too much last night and woke up to basically in a small little pond of sweat. And it's only going to get hotter. I once had a friend describe the climate in his home country, Thailand, as that there are three kinds of season there. Hot, really hot and DAMN HOT! Which I feel that's how it is here.

So this weekend I had a lot of fun with my follow UN/NGO friends here. It was a really great time. Saturday night we just sat on our porch and drank...and boy did we ever...there were 5 of us, but only 4 of us really drinking. We finished a big bottle of Jameson and 10 40s of beer. It was an amazing time. The Fijian had to help the Brit home as he was stumbling to and fro. Man do I love my life.

I'm over a month into being here, about 5 left. I got an email from one of friends from Scotland. She's having a rough time so I think I will make it over there and spend about a month with her before heading home.

Think I'll ended it now before I drip sweat onto my computer...Miss you Stephnie!

Friendly, Just not social...

So I have learned that Liberians are very friendly...just not social. If it wasn't for all the UN friends I have made here I wouldn't have a social life to talk about. I don't know if it is because of the war or what but not a single Liberian has invited me and my roommate over for dinner, or tea or even just for some chatting. They are all nice and helpful on the streets with directions or going to the market but just not sociable. If I have been invited out, it was by a Liberian man with love intentions on his mind.

Thank God for the UN...and all the people they have brought us. It's quite amazing to see how many different kinds of people are here. Tonight, Thai food is on the menu. =) On Thursday we went to the Jordanian barracks for dinner and a celebration. First thing you need to know is that these soldiers never get to leave their barracks, plus there are no females on the barracks, so that night there was just us lonely 6 girls among 150ish men. We watched a film about Jordan, which now I want to visit, ate a traditional meal, with our fingers (rice, nuts and a goat's head) and "danced" the night away. Now when I say dance I really mean us girls got to dance for like minutes before an officer came over and told us that we needed a break. I think they were just trying to prevent anything from happening. These men probably hadn't seen women in like months. Now I can picture what it's like in prison. (Which by the way, they call their barracks worse than Guantanamo Bay. There were several Jordanians who were very attractive...maybe at the next party I will learn some Arabic....

Peace Corps Life really isn't your own. I can't be myself or act like myself. I act a shade different in order for things to work better for me in my community. This means no drunken nights in my town, no random hook-ups. I must act professional all the time, which can be a little stressful. Never to let loose and show your true self. When people ask what my religion is, I tell them that I am Jewish...because if I told them that I didn't believe in god, then no one would really want to work with me. (I really need to freshen up on my Jewish knowledge...man do they ask me a lot of questions about my "faith". But to never get to act like yourself can be tiring...Which is why I don't think I can live here for an entire year, the people aren't sociable, I can't get drunk or do stupid things and I have to lie about my "religion".

Ok...I'm going to be adding some pictures of my house...hope you enjoy!

Feb..Black History Month!

Another week down in Liberia. Had a great week teaching, though I did end up a little discouraged. After giving my classes a test and less than a handful knew it all. It was a little sad. So I changed my questions around, to were they didn't have to infer anything and my last class did a lot better. So I now know that they can't really infer things from the knowledge that they know. So that will be my next step. I think in patterns, it's easy for me to see something and link it to something else. The liberians here can't seem to do that. They can't even read a graph and interpret the information from that graph. I thought it was just common sense, but I guess somewhere along the way I learned how to do that. Maybe I will teach them that...but I don't know, they Geometry is hard enough and next they want me to teach them Trig. Who knows...

This week has been good. Got to hang with a handful of other Peace Corps volunteers, it was nice. Drank a lot, like we do in PC and bullshitted a lot as well. It was nice to have a little taste of home. Tonight I invited the Fijians over for dinner. The one takes real good care of me and my roommate, so we wanted to return the favor. Tomorrow we are having curry, Thanks Fiji!

Since it is the dry season here, the water pumps are starting to run low and the women at the pumps are not happy with these two new arrivals from America. A lot of them bitch to each other about us, but I play the blonde card and just pretend not to notice/understand them. I just smile and say thanks. We only got like 4 little pales of water from the pump. It's difficult when you don't get to go everyday cause you are busy. A lot of times they don't really understand why we can't seem to get enough water or why we only go there every once in awhile. For them, this is there job, for us we really don't have time during the day to get it all done, all the chores that Africans have, we don't have anyone doing them for us. Though after talking things over with the roommate, we are talking about getting a girl to come over and sweep and mop our house for us.

Well I'm off to watch the Super Bowl, got a TV and a place that will hopefully stay up/have enough energy to last for the entire game! Peace

African Nations Cup...

I'm at the UN bar, working on a fourth of my computer screen after dropping it and now only that much of it working to fill you in on my first week of teaching. It went really well....it's a lot of work trying to teach students without the use of a book...but it's going. And it's easy when the students really want to learn. I don't really give them homework, since if I wanted to it would take almost all of my 45 minutes to write the problems on the board and for them to copy them. But I did give them the pages we are going over, and they can go to the library and check out a book and do the practice pages. I started off in every class telling them that it doesn't help them if only I care about their education. I leave in 6 months, and when I'm gone, then who would care about their education....I told them they have to care and do everything they can do to make their schooling better. I did have one kid do extra work and ask questions about it...which made my day. A class of mine told me on Friday that they liked my teaching, since it's more interactive than a typical Liberian education. I like talking...for all who know me, and it's no different in class..I don't want to write on the chalk board, with my back to them. I want them to interact with me, do problems together, make mistakes and know that it is ok, we are learning, there will always be mistakes, on my part and theirs. I do like teaching...having kids who want to learn makes it even better. Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life...probably not, but it's a good place to start. I've come to realize that I'm not meant to live in just one place, or do just one thing. I like my environment to always change, to constantly having to learn a new way of life...I love making new friends and discovering how good I am at networking...

On to Networking...Here's my guide to it....
1: Always talk to everyone...even the security guards, they will help you out and make sure you get what you want.
2: Laugh when given a marriage proposal...Last weekend, I had one from the guy I went to go watch the game with. All I did was laugh and say that he was funny...no need to actually give an answer, NO, but isn't laughing can make the situation better, I still need him in my network cause he's one of the guys in charge of the computer labs I use.
3: Smile and wave to all of the women and children, they might not have a "powerful" job but they know the ins and outs of everything and will help you along the way.


*This is more of what not to tell Peace Corps, that soon I'll be trying my hand at the helicopter ride the UN has from my site to the capitol. PC said I wasn't allowed to take the UN plane, but never did they mention a helicopter ride, plus they said not to abuse it...it's not abusing if they offer...right? Plus PC can't say no if I don't ask.

Since being here, I've hungout with a lot of ex-pats, not so many Liberians. Most of the women always have work to do (plus we don't have a lot to relate to, I'm just not a girl, I think like a man, I love sports!) and the men my age tend to propose marriage to me. Thus leaving the kids...We really only have one neighbor, so I hang with those kids. At the moment, I'm teaching them blackjack...it's good for their math skills, counting and statistics. I'm going to make gamblers out of them soon enough.

But the ex-pat community is good, small but good. I have a Pakistani food mess that I go to, it's only 2 dollars a meal and really good. Though most of them are muslims and it's their way, but they don't shake my hand...I've had my hand refused a couple of times...it's just something I have to get use to...so now I'm employing my head nod/bow, THANKS KOREA! I still need them to know I respect them and want them to be kind to me.

Well that's all for now...I miss home and everyone there, I miss AC, my cat, making money and the snow. But I have a new life and I'm getting used to it, and soon enough, I'll be loving it..,even more...Though I do get my full 9+ hours of sleep each night!

The picture is of me, my roommate and our counterparts. You are only going to get one at a time cause it takes FOREVER to download just one picture with my internet connection....It's worse than DSL, but I do get it in the bush of Africa.